more than a paycheck

One morning, I was driving my Toyota Avanza company car along South Luzon Expressway, when it hit me.

I’m going to work only for the paycheck, knowing that it’s the same conveyor belt everyday, every week, every month, every year. With the same performance metrics, not producing what I was actually hired to do. With the same family expectations and pressures for rent, bills, expenses, tuition fees, and other obligations.
Regular programming. Was that really all to life?

At work, I was hired to follow status quo, not be a leader.
At home, I was merely a workhorse, not a man of the house.

Yet, when I introduced good ideas and produced solid strategies and plans, they were not valued nor taken seriously. My roles were simply to follow orders from top management. I concluded that they wanted me to embrace their systems even if it led to failure. I was set up to fail, but I was obligated to produce no matter the sacrifice.

The paycheck I collected from my job fulfilled the desires of my family, while neglecting my own needs and desires as a man, a father, a human being.

It’s transactional. And I was supposed to be satisfied with that.

WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?

The programming that I was given centered around what I could produce for work or family. It was all money, money, money. Realizing that was like a slap to the face. Deadlines, pressure, bills, metrics? That’s not me. That’s not who I am.

When I asked myself who I was, my mind was blank. I found myself looking up to the sky asking, “Who am I? What happened to me?”

I was alive once. I was a footballer. I was a dancer. I was an explorer. I was a lover. I was a chef. I was a father to my beloved dogs. I was a badass.

But now I found myself dead.

I started questioning my value, my abilities, my strengths, my professional relationships, and even my identity. I could no longer recognize myself in the mirror. Because what I saw was not who I really was.

I was just a number. Trapped in a system in which I didn’t want to be part of anymore.

And so, I started making plans to change the system that I knew was bound to fail, at work and at home. I convinced myself that it was possible to change the system, to bring into place new systems that would create better conditions for everyone, especially me.

ADOPTING A
FALSE IDENTITY

I set out to change the system to shed rejection and neglect, receive acceptance and belonging, and come alive again at work and at home.

After professional successes implementing my own approach, top management validated my achievements and showered me with praise. But soon, it became clear that my successes were not accepted as a long-term strategy, but rather a short-term detour. I saw that the old system, flawed as it was, must be implemented and made to work no matter what. I would be made to follow someone else’s directions.

Coming home to a disrespectful environment, without care or concern, made me feel like a dirty rag, thrown by the trash. This was a house in which “mano po” did not exist. Their comforts were provided for. But I was a utility, simply expected to serve and perform to the whims of family members.

I realized I was living in false identities. I am valued for the masks I wear in playing the roles that they needed me to play – not for the potential I could truly bring to the business or to the family. These were false identities I was richly rewarded to continue to carry.

escaping unfulfilling realities

I saw no color in my life. It was all grey.
And that brought me immeasurable despair.
In my frustration, I found ways to escape. I had to, in order to survive.

At first, it was food. I had a carnivorous diet, mostly deep fried red meat. I ate and ate and ate.

Then, it was alcohol. I started drinking daily, spending hours indulging in alcohol socially in public and at home.

Next, it was sex. Attention and intimacy did not exist at home. So I found them in others.

Hungover one morning, finding myself short of breath, I realised that all of those things were superficial. They did not really help me escape. My health and my mind were still prisoners to regular programming.

I started to search for a different way out.

That was bicycles.

Riding my bike took me away from my false identities as a prisoner of the corporate world and in my own home, trapped in a loveless rat race bound to fail. Riding my bike gave me freedom, peace, respect, and love. And I started to know myself...
But I soon biked into limitations.

suffocated on all fronts

I had sought ways out for myself. This was not tolerated at work or at home. The pressure I was under with regular programming doubled.

After implementing my ideas of how to work without regular programming on the conveyor belt, my superiors doubled my performance targets. I was forced to work far harder and riskier in order to meet my targets, at risk of being pushed out. I had no time for myself, my family, or my friends. I was punished for bringing solutions that would change the system and avoid failure.

My family actively avoided my attempts to foster healthier and holistic relationships with them. I encouraged them to spend quality time in nature with me, to go away on car trips to relax, as a pressure release for all of us.
But they stayed away. No support system was present here. No space to express my emotions, communicate my worries, or release my tensions. All that mattered was that bills would be paid, and that my job security would be ensured. I was judged when I did not behave in a manner aligning with their expectations of me. I was never enough. To them, others’ perspectives were always more important than my own peace of mind.

That is where self-hate crept in. I began to realize that my abilities were not aligned with the results I was hoping for. The attempts I made were powerful, but they were rejected.

I began to believe that I was not valuable, and lost my self-confidence. Insecurity and self-doubt fueled my fears of irrelevance, of abandonment, of being replaced.

This was an inescapable spiral.

neglect, rejection,
taken for granted

When I most needed support, I found none anywhere. I needed attention, care, a listening ear, empathy, intellectual connection, and sex.

But I was consistently neglected, rejected, and taken for granted by those closest to me, whom I had thought I would be able to rely upon.

This led to me feeling betrayed and used. But it was not something I could talk about openly. This type of thing wasn’t something that men spoke about within Filipino family culture.

Traditionally, men don’t speak of problems at home or at work. Doing that would bring shame to myself and my family. Men are supposed to deal with these things with silence. I was expected to endure the pain on my own. This was called “strength”. Being the haligi ng bahay (pillar of the house), was killing me.

That is why I redirected my needs and sought other vices.
I found a certain high in food, alcohol and sex at the beginning, but I knew it was empty. It would eventually boil down to emptiness, loneliness, guilt, and even more shame.

That was still not me. Pursuing those vices, I would still remain unalive.

acknowledging illusions to pursue truth

Going home after engaging in my vices, I felt alone, empty, guilty, frustrated, full of doubt, hateful of myself, all negative vibrations. Finding no answers to any of my questions. They only added problems to my life and took me further away from my truth.

I found myself asking, “Why am I here drinking alcohol? Why am I here having sex?” That’s doubt. I thought my vices would resolve my stresses and pressures. And I had no answers.

I was totally blank. There was no direction in where I was going, and everything felt pointless, purposeless, that every door was closing.

There was no future here. Not a glimpse.

I didn’t have any light in my life that would’ve led me to a new road to follow.

I was lost in the wilderness and didn’t know which way to go to start all over again. Completely lost, in character, in competencies, in all aspects of life.

How I could find the truth behind all of this? I needed answers through my vices, but found none. I wanted to feel belonging, acceptance, and love. And I knew the truth: that these only came through finding my inner self and fulfilling the outer responsibilities of my superficial self.

pressure without measure

I thought my creativity to resolve problems in my own unique way was my superpower. But they didn’t appreciate nor value that.

The truth of the corporate world was that I cannot ever belong there as me, my whole self. I needed to squeeze myself into someone else’s standards, to be different than who I truly was. And that was what would feed my family’s expectations of me.

This pressure felt like something I could overcome through strength or endurance, anything just to push through. For a while, I could.

But one day, everything snapped.

I no longer wanted to slave away for the corporate world that had enriched my family. I no longer wanted to participate in toxic family culture, in keeping up with appearances.

I learned to let it all go.

The next day, I filed my resignation. Over the next 30 days, I completed my notice period and returned all my corporate equipment. The company car, the company cellphone, the company laptop, and the company credit cards.

I didn’t want to work anymore.

I let everything go. Depression, anxiety, frustration all melted away. I understood that I no longer belonged to the system that burned me out.

that's not me,
that's a mask

I was sick of pretending that I was someone else, that I can follow the regular programming. It was impossible to live up to those expectations, in order to receive the paycheck. I was set up to fail.
And that person was not who I truly was.

Everyone is wearing a mask, trying to fit into the group and fulfill the assignment. Like trying to be French when you're not. It was apparent that this system of compliance was about keeping you from your true self.

We wear masks like "the corporate executive", even though we don’t like ourselves in that type of professional, ruthless and aggressive identity.

We wear masks like "haligi ng bahay" even though we can no longer bear the pressures of work and home.

We wear masks like "the passionate hobbyist", seeking validation from external sources for our expensive pastimes that make us interesting and desirable.

We wear masks like "the popular extrovert" to gain belonging and acceptance in a higher social class, spending a lot of money to keep up appearances and receive social visibility... perhaps even fame.

That is not who we really are.

i am not enough

Trying desperately to live behind those masks, I found them to be false, shallow, superficial. They didn’t lead me to any truths, and only led me to despair.

No matter what I tried, I would never be able to receive the validation, belonging and acceptance I sought. I could never be enough for them.

But I am enough.

I was gifted the miracle of life by God to endure pain, suffering, and hardship. I walked through the challenges dealt by life. I stood in silence and solitude, learning to rise without being saved by others. Endurance transforms pain into strength. I am a warrior. A wounded warrior can still stand.

In realizing that I am indeed enough, I no longer sought to wear those masks.

I no longer follow trends. I no longer follow the herd.

I’m walking away from this system in order to find myself and finally become who I truly am.

Once you deviate from regular programming, you find yourself on your own path. While lonely at first, you slowly begin to see the vast possibilities in your real self. And this leads to reflection, learning, and change. The process reveals who you are beyond your roles. A unique soulful being full of life... with fears, doubts, and negativity evaporating into nothing.

I began to see that, as the true me, I can do all things.

I have a future worth living. It is a rich future, and it is waiting for me.

wake up, find the courage to live

A revealing moment of the collapse of my false identities... as if the veil has been shed, fallen away totally, never to come back. As if it never existed. The veil that I had put my belief in for decades was now a source of torture, enslavement, and negativity. My experiences of pain now became my teachers for living.

I became a pure observer. Silent, listening, watching, absorbing. Without attachment or resentment. As though I was simply a cloud, passing through as storms were happening all around me. those storms used to send me into turmoil. But now, they had no power over me anymore.

Through my observations, I learned the true power that I have within myself.

I found that I was not actually afraid of my inadequacies as seen by others. What I was totally afraid of was far greater than that: my own power.

I knew that performing well under pressure at work and at home, I was powerful. Because I beat that conveyor belt when I was trapped in the system. Back then, I just didn’t know what it really meant.

This epiphany arrived one day at a solo lunch at home. Eating alone used to be a painful experience. But that was all gone.

I ate on my own with no people around me, no company, no validation. Just me, my safety, my needs, and my peace. Total emotional independence, receiving nourishment from the earth. I learned that eating alone in silence breaks the power of rejection and neglect.

This was where I found my courage to live. This was where I found my invincibility.

liberation, fulfillment, sovereignty

Breaking away from dependence on the conveyor belt, I am no longer dictated to by the system. It only delivers false comfort to its slaves. There was no peace within me. It was only an illusion that the regular programming of the conveyor belt was providing me.

Being alone and learning more about my true self helped me find my path to liberation.

Meditation. To keep myself calm and prepare myself from those demons, I found daily meditation helpful in keeping me centered, focused, and steady. It stopped the resentment, frustration and anger that sent me down spirals of negativity.

Spirituality. Reading religious texts, philosophical books, and researching spiritual concepts helped me understand the path of fulfillment. It lit the way. And made clear the long path ahead.

Disciplined lifestyle. Daily routines of physical development, emotional growth, and constant learning came to define my source of discipline and grounding.

With these practices, I became stronger, and finally took charge of my own life. No longer a follower, but an independent identity. I was a new me, with fresh control of my mind, my emotions, and my actions. I no longer held on to fear of others’ expectations or of the corporate and cultural systems of control. I had new purpose, new agency.

My life is now my own to live afresh.

I now help high-performing men in corporate spaces address what they see as insurmountable.

My courses and coaching programs are designed to empower you to overcome limits.

© Mackay Averilla 2026
CC BY-NC-ND 4.0